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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Apr 24, 2007 6:42:57 GMT -5
Infomercial on KONG:
Idiotic Looking Rich Kid that has an important corp father, "DUDE! Anyways, so I’m in like this totally cool restaurant and I was all can I have the terrine de saumon aux épinards with like some grillé cheese and some champignons, and a like side of like relish, and he was all “what would sir like to drink” and I was like bring me a bottle of the Pouilly-Fumé, I understand 2003 was like a totally good year and the waiter was all dude the wines of the Upper Loire are like totally phat. Guy asks if I need anything else, and I'm like breadsticks. HELLO?
Then I said dude what’s up where are all the biatches and he was all duh they’re like totally all over man and I’m all what do I look like a total chump and he was like whatever. And this freak at the next table was talking all loud and shit, some bullshit about the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Kentucky Derby and then he’s all looking over and buttering his rolls like he OWNS the place. I was about to go over and clock him when this totally smoking honey walks in and I’m like DANG."
Shyster Drassel appears, "Contrary to popular opinion I do not accept every case. The afore mentioned client is one such we did NOT accept. We want to thank him for contacting us for a free case consultation, but after reviewing the facts of his case, I am afraid our firm will be unable to represent you. Unfortunately, we take only a limited number of cases each year.
Our rejection of your case does not mean that you do not have a valid claim, or that another attorney would not be interested in helping you and because there are time limits on bringing claims, you should not wait too long to seek other counsel."
Please contact us again, either by e-mail or phone, if we can help you in the future.
Not everyone is represented by KD&A and now you know why."
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Apr 25, 2007 0:22:42 GMT -5
Now for the news:
Serious Old Dude Reporter looking gravely into the holo: "Casualties continue to mount in retaliation for Monday's attack on an Amish training camp located in Lancaster County. This was in response for their picketing of the Skagit County Nuclear Power Plant which is almost near completion.
The death toll has already surpassed that of California's Scientology riots last March sparked by satirical cartoons re-aired on Comedy Central's South Park, recently.
Elusive Scientologist ringleader's Tom Cruz and Issac Hayes encouraged more sectarian violence in an audio tape released to Fox News today, ending speculation that the terror mastermind had recently succumbed to typhoid.
Southeastern Pennsylvania has long been a known Amish stronghold, strategically located in the geographic triangle between Philadelphia, New York City and Washington, DC.
Homeland Security estimates the number of Amish in the United States at around 200,000, predominantly in Pennsylvania and Ohio. But there are also suspected sleeper cells in Indiana, Delaware, Michigan, Iowa, Wisconsin, Oklahoma and just across the UCAS border in Ontario.
One U.S. State Department insider warns the current turmoil can only serve to increase tension with Mormons, who they suspect of supplying armaments and financial support to the more radical Amish factions. It is also expected to further complicate sensitive negotiations with Quakers over their uranium enrichment program."
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Apr 26, 2007 2:01:20 GMT -5
"Stay tuned: Tonight on Seattle News in Depth, Chris Matthews will host a blue ribbon panel comprising of liberal news media thin-tank pundits, Brad Delong, Matthew Yglesias, Armed Liberal and others having a discussion about whether Che Guevara can be considered a hero."
Dom laughed as he watched. Looking at JJ he pulled out an ancient book called The Motorcycle Diaries and opened it to a random chapter. "Here is the hero in his own words:" He commented with some amusement.
During the night I had a bad case of the runs and, being ashamed to leave a souvenir in the pot under my bed, I climbed out on to the window ledge and gave up all of my pain to the night and blackness beyond. The next morning I looked out to see the effect and saw that two metres below lay a big sheet of tin where they were sun-drying their peaches; the added spectacle was impressive.
Dom looked at JJ, "Sorry, but I see nothing heroic in sticking one's ass out the window and letting drive onto a pile of fruit. I would never do that- but then, I'm not a communist."
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on May 21, 2007 3:01:16 GMT -5
It's late in the evening and '733t' news teams are arguing ad-nausea about the political gaffs of the day. It is a round table discussion involving many notables from the city of Seattle. The discussion is both chaotic, stupid and lively.
OLD Conservative newsies, resembles Rush Limbaugh. "I am now officially on Team Krass for no other reason than he will definitely be the most entertaining candidate in future races. This country needs more amusement and an expectation that they will actually get the kind of clowns we always seem to vote for when we are trying for the direct opposite. I whole-heartedly endorse half of Krass's policies and cringe in shame at the stupidity of the rest. I just haven't figured out which half is which yet. Now you say Krass is King of Gaffe's? You don't know the meaning of the word. Must be that liberal education, you guys wouldn't know a fact if it hit you like a 357 between the eyes! A gaffe is when a politician accidentally tells the truth. I'm not sure Krass's debate performance qualifies but it comes closer than most of the rest."
Young Firebrand liberal newsy, resembles Rosie O'Donnell crossed with Al Francken voice. "Better put your guns down old man, just one move Krass makes on this Skagit project and the crazed right wing righty gets it in the nads. We all know it's a Right Conservative conspiracy and pretty soon the bombs will be flying and it will be all Krass's fault."
Pastor Luddington, "Well, a good Liberal school-boy SHOULD be able to break down and re-assemble his firearm or bomb while blindfolded and simultaneously reciting the Lord's Prayer aloud. Given the way liberal schools used to work I think Krass made the right decision in dictating that the public schools are permitted only two texts: the Bible and the owners manual for a 12 gauge. After all, it was Jesus that said: "I'll beat my rifle into a plow share just as soon as I'm done beating on your head with its butt and your skull cracks open and your brains pour out on the dusty sidewalk, ya sorry liberal ratbag."
Governor Schultz, "I am this evening, declaring my victory in the election as Governor of Seattle having personally vanquished Devlin Krass and his Al Qaeda-financed Democratic party. If Krass, a pansy closet Arab if ever I saw one, does not start personally torturing terrorists in his home in the next 7 days, I will fulfill my campaign pledge to put his "balls-to-the-wall" and have him sent to Guantanamo for enhanced interrogation by President Rumsfeld's best gay UCAS interrogator friend. I am the girl that got Krass thrown out of the Governor's race. I can and will have him disappeared, permanently, if he cross me again!"
Krass, looking at Schultz with some amusement, "Please Jesus Christ, let her 15 minutes of fame be up, cause I'm not sure I can stomach looking at her sour ugly puss any longer. Please Jesus, give us a scandal with some GOOD looking women having sex with a great lay like me." Liberal, "And just when ya think it can't get any worse I'm starting to visualize sex between these two political hacks. What's next? Can we expect one of these two morons to release some home movies a-la-Paris-Hilton? Tell all pop-up books? Dating Michael Jackson?"
Luddington, "If there was a just and loving God, you would be smote for that mental image, you liberal son of a bitch."
Conservative, "Say what you like, but in neo-con circles Shultz was known to be able to suck the hub-caps off a Bradley Fighting Vehicle at 30 paces."
Krass, "Well if they do pop up books on this subject all I can say this they better be scratch and sniff."
Eon from off camera and backstage, "Hey! I'm trying to eat lunch here!"
Krass yells back to Eon, "Shall I tell everyone that I bought you cheap on Itch-Bay?"
The trid goes dark with technical difficulty logos' and the sounds of furniture hitting flesh is heard.
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on May 29, 2007 6:36:41 GMT -5
"Today on KONG we are asking people on the street what they think. The subject is our own Mayor Devlin Krass." Turns to a corp executive, "Tell me Sir, what is your first impression when I mention Mayor Krass.
The man laughs and walks away. The reporter undaunted turns to a tourist from Sweden, "Tell me have you ever heard of Devlin Krass?"
"I have."
"Then perhaps you would tell me what Devlin Krass means to you."
"My favourite liberal is Devlin Krass, a Seattle poltiican. He was barred from the UCAS Congress for "failings in parliamentary decorum" and for murdering people with a saw. He was also involved in illegal land deals, cocaine trafficking, dissolving a boy in acid, murdering a doctor, and murdering the local bishop." He whispers to the reporter, "(The doctor had failed to save Krass's mother, and the Bishop had annoyed him by opposing his illegal land deals, cocaine trafficking, murdering people with saws, etc.)" He continued in a normal voice.
"He must be quite a character, if that's how he behaves. Before going into politics, he was a local Lone Star police chief. When his brother was killed in a gunfight Krass personally sliced off the limbs of one of the suspects with a chainsaw, to teach him a lesson. He was suspended from the Liberal Front Party when the investigation began so he created his own party. Now the Liberal Front Party no longer exists under what we would call mysterious circumstances, although Krass maintains that they are basking in the Maui sun at this very moment, their debt to society paid in full. If this is Seattle's idea of a liberal, you can imagine what their young conservatives are like."
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jun 5, 2007 0:11:28 GMT -5
Today in the News KARG, Seattle:
Downtown TOOL Mayor Devlin Krass, during questioning by a judge in Seattle, to help her determine an appropriate punishment for his crime of attempted theft of NAN Nation Lands, told her that he has no children but that he has "six on the way."
The judge sought clarification. "Are you marrying a woman with six children?" "No," said Krass, "I be concubining."
All six women are due during August, September or October. Krass, who had recently paid restitution to the NAN for his release of a Long Dong Missile, was released without additional sentence due largely in part to behind the scenes maneuvering of his toady Gregg Drassel and his goon squad tart Eon.
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jun 14, 2007 0:11:33 GMT -5
Now a KONG news flash:
Seattle TV personality "Krass" has filed a lawsuit against a Cable vision employee who allegedly bad-mouthed him to sponsors, and his latest filing, detailed in May by the Seattle Law Journal, consists of (according to Seattle Civil Court Judge Charles Wood) 360 handwritten pages, of "completely irrelevant," with "multiple copies of a 60-year-old photo of the plaintiff with Bob Hope," "sheet music," "commentary about the impressive geographic expanse of the City of Seattle," "details of how he 'writhed' while his female chauffeur shot insulin into his posterior," "an account of a near-miss with a deer on the I-5 Parkway," "jokes" and "threats or exhortations to 'sue judges.'" Wood barred Krass from further filings without his approval. When Krass was queried about this he responded by saying, "Who the hell thought they would actually read it?"
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jun 24, 2007 23:45:05 GMT -5
In a KPOW exclusive, a curious Joe Heckel of Rahway County and his son took apart the heavy punching bag Joe had bought for their boxing practice and to their surprise found it full of, not sand or plastic pellets, but men's and women's underwear (some used). According to a May report the manufacturer, Technical Knockout Inc. (A Krass Drassel subsidiary, eventually contacted the Heckels and admitted that it had experienced a "quality" problem and that the people who had thought up the bag-stuffing idea had been fired. The question we have is where did they get all the underwear to put in that bag?"
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jun 27, 2007 1:28:40 GMT -5
Pelch Gobwit: Tip of the Day!@
"Have you ever had to do Community Service? It's a cheap way for the authorities to get work out of your worthless hide without paying you for it. You do all the dreky jobs they can't pay people to take. Last fall the Star had me planting fragging daffodil bulbs along I-5 near Madison Street. When the bulbs sprouted this week, the blooms spelled out the words "Bollocks" and "Shag" and other related words in letters four feet (1.3 meters) wide. Residents living on the Madison Street Exit, which carries thousands of visitors a day, said people were coming from miles around to take a look at the flowers. I even heard that Pastor Luddington remarked on the event and said: "I can see the funny side but it doesn't really create a good impression of the town. They planted hundreds of bulbs so we're all a bit worried about what might come up next."
"That's me, Pelch Gobwit doing my bit for the Seattle Tourist Industry."
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jul 1, 2007 23:09:01 GMT -5
In early morning Seattle News last week, "scores" of Seattle lawmakers brawled on the floor of the city building, wrestling, throwing punches and spraying water at each other over several objections to the Skagit Valley Fusion Plant, according to a Reuters dispatch. However, a week later, one legislator, and a U.C.A.S. political scientist who follows the events in the Seattle legislature, told a Reuters reporter that most of the legendary brawls on the floor are staged in order to impress constituents that their members "fight" for them. One legislator said a leader may call in advance for his allies to wear soft shoes, in anticipation of a shoe-throwing fight, to limit injuries.
Several splinter groups have promised to shut the plant down.
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jul 8, 2007 23:11:22 GMT -5
Pelch Gobwit, 156, was arrested in July for stealing two hot dogs (value: NuYen 2.11, including tax) from a Quik Trip convenience store near Skagit Valley. (though he said he had merely forgotten to pay). Because it was Gobwit's third misdemeanor theft charge, Seattle law required that the count be upgraded to a felony. Gobwit could not immediately make bail, and in fact was incarcerated for 71 days before his trial (once being subject to a bond of Nuyen 100,000), but prosecutors insisted on a trial. In August, a jury of 12 people (reportedly angry at having been called to such an insignificant case) found Gobwit not guilty. (The penalty, according to UCAS law, if he had been convicted, was 12 months' probation.)
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jul 8, 2007 23:19:21 GMT -5
In the Seattle News:
Seattle Scientist and Artist Ronilion recently blended art with science, extracting living cells from animals and growing them on top of biodegradable scaffolds so that when the scaffolds disappear, a living entity remains, in the shape of the scaffold. At the UCAS Center for Digital Art in downtown, Seattle, in April, Ronilion unveiled 'Victimless Leather,' or actual animal skin cells that grew into leather without harming an animal, but his previous work has included growing steak from lamb muscle cells and the preparation for growing wings on a pig (though, in the final stage of that project, he was turned down by the exhibitor, who was apparently grossed out by result.) His next project , he confided to this reporter was the attempt to grow wing's on a buffalo. His new art entitled, 'Buffalo Wings' has hit a snag though as the NAN will not sell him a buffalo. "Who wants to be always looking up to see if a buffalo is about to dump a steaming pile on your head?" They commented.
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Post by Pelch Gobwit on Jul 8, 2007 23:21:11 GMT -5
The sheriff's office in Pullyup Barrens., reported that Devlin Krass called 911 on April 21, alarmed that he had just paid 200 NuYen to a woman at a club after a lap dance and then realized that she was not the one who had danced for him.
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Post by wolflet59 on Jul 15, 2007 11:42:48 GMT -5
Message for Mr Smythe Ace Tomato:
I have been recovering from a recent immersion in the Sound so apologies for not getting back sooner.There have been a surprising flurry of events regarding my employer
We were asked to investigate a series of merchandise removals which were leading towards gang wars with the Halloweeners..
Our operatives were able to meet and discuss the problem, which was enough to discredit and remove the instigator of the problem, who fled.
The instigator announced himself as my employer’s brother, in itself totally unexpected. He indicated his deep desire to kill my employer before escaping and no doubt returning another day.
With his escape and his announcement that he had linked into further powers – an indication here is an adept of some kind, the investigating team were fireballed in the Halloweener’s known outlet – a message to all parties maybe?
Exiting rapidly, the team’s vehicles which were rigged with mil-spec explosives, and a snatch team were all evaded.
Myself and another practitioner were able to view this attack from afar, and later fully assense the magical handiwork of an Insect Shaman.
The later detonation of one team member’s residence and the magical usurpation of other team members led us to a warehouse - which the Star stormed, but from which a heli escaped.
One team member was captured which indicated this was a high priority for them
We persued in a Star powerboat interceptor, confirming the presence of Insect Shaman, Mercs and the captive.
We lost the heli after climbing through cloud cover and being hit by an air launched AA missile. No survivors were found in the wreckage which was spread over a wide area. I made an immediate sonar search while the persuit boat made a surface sweep.
My thoughts.. It seems that persons linked to an insect shaman wanted to stir up a lot of trouble in order to take prisoners. Could be in an attempt to get closer to my employer. They were extremely well armed and equipped with access to military and magical expertise of the highest order.
Information on insect spirits would be appreciated
Mr Smythe reply.
"You are not on any particular schedule to report. Your information has been received and noted. Continue with your current activities monitoring the subject Haseltorn. Re-establish contact at the Z Street facility and ascertain their current goals. Do not at this time concern yourself with the insect shaman. Smythe out.
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Post by wolflet59 on Jul 15, 2007 11:43:37 GMT -5
Freddy calling from outside before he goes in. Just in case the current tenants are jumpy.
Hiya BB.. how’s everything here in the bowels of the Tomato -Cave? Sorry I havnt been in touch for a while – some biz for Mr D.
BB, angrily "Where the heck has everyone been? Besides you don't WORK for Mr D, you're suppose to be working DIRECTLY for Widow! If she comes back you are going to be in the deep DREK for skipping out. Pelch and Mao are already working on the next job."
So fill me in – whats been happening, who’s doing what and where..
BB, "No way! Not while the rest of you are playing games. You come in, we find out where you stand and then maybe we talk. I'm not going to blow this op over loose lips. I trust you REMEMBER how to find your way back to Z Street, Room Six?""
Before you do, you should go through the full checks – retina dna voice.. just in case it’s not me.
As an extra check, even if I had been cloned or something, it would bee a bit too much for them to be able to work the mana..
I wanted to see if you could detect me when I looked like you.. retina checks out voice is fine but dna swab is me.. that’s only because I am so up close to be able to copy you so well.. sorry it must bug you – it is only an illusion though, here, close your eyes an rub my cheek – scratchy see!
Freddy used a Physical Mask to look like BB – with enough information you could trick most people and sensors, but you had to be up and close for a while to make a good copy. Roll required please:
BB Detection roll using Z street Scanners:
[dice=6][dice=6][dice=6][dice=6][dice=6][dice=6]
6, 6, 2, 4, 4, 2 + 2 Rule of Six [dice=6][dice=6]
6, 4 + 1 Rule of Six [dice=6]
2 BB Total = 36
Looks like a good chance you were made unless you plan to use a lot of dice. Good Luck.
So who’s doing what? Mr Moose and Mao – cant we just get security clearance through Dom to go and have a dig into Skagit? Doesn’t he have an influence, or his boss Krass own the place? I suppose it is a good security review.
BB, suspicious, "Who said anything about Skagit? Who said anything about Moose? Where are you comimg up with this info if you haven't been here and you're working for Mr. D elsewhere? You are so in trouble Mr if you don't have some good answers." BB places finger on Security button.
What about the hit on Dom- the bomb? Any noos on that? Whats the Star report - it wouldn’t be high-grade ex like they used on us..?
The others in the team gone to ground or just gone..? So we’re sitting twiddling our fingers..
BB glares but does not answer.
OK Theres a few people I recently linked in with who have a vested intrest in a job coming up - and a couple of fone traces I need you to chase so we know where we’re going. Whichever team is going out will need flights – we just picked up an executive jet by the way, it will need re-registering – in fact it could do with a trace. Theres a few bank accounts to fathom too. If you could leave them until later though.
I will give Meg a call to tell her if I’m off again or not..
Caff – one or two sweeters?
"Don't try sweeteners with me. You better start explaining or I push this button and ten tons of Drek comes down on your head!" BB stated tightly.
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