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Jokes
Mar 14, 2007 20:14:24 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 14, 2007 20:14:24 GMT -5
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that the happy child is theirs. Isn't it wonderful?," one says to the other. "All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."
ok so whose got the best one?
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Jokes
Mar 14, 2007 21:47:58 GMT -5
Post by Braddoc on Mar 14, 2007 21:47:58 GMT -5
Y'know the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
Well, the pickpocket snatch watches....
(not the best, but it made me laugh today, so there.)
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2007 22:04:48 GMT -5
Post by shasta on Mar 16, 2007 22:04:48 GMT -5
There was a donkey and a chicken living on a farm. They were best mates, always hung out together. Every afternoon, they took a walk around the fence line of the farm, talking and laughing.
One afternoon, as they were walking, the donkey stepped in a huge mud puddle. The puddle turned out to be quicksand, and began pulling the donkey down.
"Help me, mate," yelled the donkey to the chicken. "Go get the farmer to bring the ute and pull me out!"
Quick as a flash the chicken ran up the paddock to the farmers house, only to discover that the farmer and his wife had left in the ute. Luckily, still in the garage was the farmers shiny new WRX. The chicken grabbed the keys, revved the car, and burnt off across the paddock.
When he got back, all but the donkey's head had sunk below the surface. The chicken quickly grabbed a rope from the boot, tied one end round the tow ball and tossed the other to the donkey. He jumped back in and gunned the car, pulling the donkey free.
"Thanks mate," the donkey said, as they sat panting on the grass, "You saved my life. If there's ever anything I can do to repay you, just let me know."
The next afternoon, the donkey and chicken are walking around the fence line again. This time, the donkey is staying well away from the fence, not wanting to get trapped again. But they lose track of where they are, and this time the chicken steps in the quicksand.
"Shit!" yells the chicken. "The farmers out again. Run up to the house, get the WRX, and come pull me out!"
"Nah, mate, " says the donkey. "I got this".
He stands over the puddle, planting his four legs outside of it. He lets his cock flop down. The chicken grabs ahold of it and is pulled to safety.
Now, what's the moral of this story?
(HIGHLIGHT TO READ)
IF YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A DONKEY, YOU DON'T NEED A WRX TO PULL CHICKS
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2007 22:56:36 GMT -5
Post by wolflet59 on Mar 16, 2007 22:56:36 GMT -5
a goodie!
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2007 10:35:30 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 18, 2007 10:35:30 GMT -5
A rugged, tough lookin cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"
No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."
So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.
As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2007 10:36:44 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 18, 2007 10:36:44 GMT -5
Two female blond cops were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2007 10:59:18 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 18, 2007 10:59:18 GMT -5
Actual conversations between pilots and ground control
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Jokes
Mar 18, 2007 11:14:16 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 18, 2007 11:14:16 GMT -5
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2007 8:28:26 GMT -5
Post by Crimson D on Mar 19, 2007 8:28:26 GMT -5
Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup.
Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrieves his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond.
"Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter.
"No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!"
This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrieve is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," replies St. Peter. "Jack Nicholas."
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Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2007 1:18:57 GMT -5
Post by shasta on Mar 20, 2007 1:18:57 GMT -5
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
{HIGHLIGHT TO READ}
Choked.
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 15:47:42 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 23, 2007 15:47:42 GMT -5
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 16:00:55 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 23, 2007 16:00:55 GMT -5
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 16:03:17 GMT -5
Post by Braddoc on Mar 23, 2007 16:03:17 GMT -5
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" OOoooh...what a bitch. and those comics, not bad
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Jokes
Mar 23, 2007 16:29:48 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 23, 2007 16:29:48 GMT -5
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2007 21:21:04 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Johnson on Mar 30, 2007 21:21:04 GMT -5
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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