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Post by krondax on Mar 18, 2006 1:16:42 GMT -5
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night." Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
The Potato Garden
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over as you normally dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Fred.
At 5 am the next morning, Scotland Yard and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred.
Famous chinese detective
Detective Sui
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
......NO FEE.
Flight to melbourne
an attractive blonde lady is sitting in Economy class on a flight to Australia. she notices that there are seats free in the first class section and decides to go and sit in there.
the steward notices her do this, and approaches her. "Excuse me miss, but you'll have to go back to your seat. you can't sit here," he politely tells her
"I'm blonde and beautiful!" she replies. "I'm going to Melbourne to become famous, so i want to sit in First Class!". She refuses to move.
The steward goes to the ****pit and explains what's happening. The captain decides to go have a word with her himself.
"Excuse me madam, I'm the captain on this flight," he tells her. "I'm sorry, but you have only paid for an Economy ticket, these seats are only for those who paid extra for the privelige to sit in First Class."
Again she replies, "I'm blonde and beautiful, I want to sit in First Class, because I am going to Melbourne to become famous!"
She flaps her eyelashes, and the captain returns to the cockpit, wondering how to deal with this.
The navigator pipes up. "Sir, my wife's blonde, and I think I have a way to handle this." The captain shrugs his shoulders. "Go on, but I don't see how you can reason with her."
The navigator leaves the cockpit and approaches the blonde woman. Through the cockpit door, the captain and the steward can see him whispering something in her ear. The blonde woman looks surprised, nods her head, and then hurries back to her seat in Economy Class.
The navigator returns to the cockpit, with the others looking somewhat surprised.
"How did you manage that so easily?" asked the Captain.
"Simple," replied the navigator. "I told her that First Class doesn't go to Melbourne."
Bill gates in hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now that you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. And finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." "Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Hotel bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
"An Engineer and His Frog"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
man and his wife
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
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Post by krondax on Mar 18, 2006 1:24:57 GMT -5
Scared sleeping Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
cab driver and the nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but there's two things:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Farting guts
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Tired dog
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry, when a tired looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a good home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour or so later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar saying "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived back again with a different note pinned to his collar "We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Mothers intuition
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love, and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends, and my fiancée, and you can try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch they all chat for a while with his Mother.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
eek"That's amazing You're right, but how could you have known that?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "That’s easy, I don't like her.
How life should be
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.. I mean, life is tough, It takes up a lot of your time.. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's is that about, a bonus, or what??
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, and get dieing out of the way with.
Then you should go live in an old age home, from which you eventually get kicked out, because your getting to fit and healthy.
Now, you can start picking up your old age pension, and now here's a bonus, when you start work, on your very first day, you get a gold watch. Now how would that feel, you look forward to working 40 years getting more healthy all the time, until you can enjoy your retirement, when your young.
You drink alcohol, you party and you get ready for High School. You go to Primary school, you become a kid, you play, have fun, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go all the way back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries, like central heating, spa room, all services on tap. Then you finish off, as an orgasm!! Amen. Now wouldn't that just be a better way to finish with life. smile
I just went to my doctor
Doctor! Doctor! Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!
Are you taking anything for it?
Yes, Pepper!
IPB Image
Old men and driving A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
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Post by krondax on Mar 18, 2006 1:29:10 GMT -5
I asked my wife to buy me a new television.....
So she went to the shop and asked the salesman to sell her the TV that was on promotion..... He refused and said: Sorry we don't sell to blond's..... She came back to me and told me the story..... So I said: Go back and wait for another salesman....
Same story.....
Then I told here to paint her hair black and try again.....
But the salesman answered: Sorry we don't sell to blond's....
So she said: How do you know I'm blond?Huh
He said: You are looking at a microwave....
BUNNY HUMOR A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the little bunny. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man "What's wrong?" "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this little rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry!" She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What the heck is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says:
It says: "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent "wave"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip”.
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ************.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the poo out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ************.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,”Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a peter pulling contest at St Taffys.
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Post by krondax on Mar 18, 2006 2:06:29 GMT -5
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion," So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them. . . give them a little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
You didn't get one either, huh? tongue.gif
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
99 dutch and 1 belgian passagers where on a airoplane...... The plane took of just fine.... But after 5 minutes the captain annouced that the floor was comming lose and people should hold on to the roof.... They all did....and after a few minutes the floor was gone, they where all hanging there with no floor :] Then the capain told there where some more trouble and the plane was too heavy, someone had to let go..... So the belgian passager said: You may all live I will let go! All the dutch started to clap their hands for this suggestion tongue.gif
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set 'L' of lumber for a set 'M' of money. The cardinality of set 'M' is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set 'M.' The set 'C', the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set 'M.' Represent the set 'C' as a subset of set 'M' and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set 'P' of profits! ?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds, owls and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2003: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When your Date is using her teeth
3. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of Jail within 12 hours.
4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5. ************ing about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).
7. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8. While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant d*ck-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one).
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on A tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem...you didn't see nothin'.
15. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much Beer as the other sports watchers.
16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
19. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice pecks, are you a Sagittarius?
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost Imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."
"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the shotgun for?"
Said the technician... "If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla... SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"
Let Me Bite Your Breasts
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"
"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they go to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and start caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but no biting.
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that poo again".
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, "Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment. Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I went out onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some tress and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die! I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him.
Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 storeys and crushed the man. Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, he man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion. So he announced, "Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this!!! I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which I broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately. As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I think I like this new policy," he says to himself. "Okay," say the Angel to the second man. "Welcome! e to the Kingdom of Heaven." And he lets the man in.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates. The Angel says,"Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator................."
And overweight man in his mid 40's was looking to lose some weight he got a flier in the mail advertising 3 wieght loss plans
loose 10 lb in 1 week loose 25 lb in 2 weeks and loose 40lb in 3 weeks
Not to confident he takes the first plan, calls the number and the next morning he has a knock on the door
A beautiful 21 year old girl standing naked except for a pair of adidas running shoes and a sign that siad " if you can catch me you can have your way with me"
and off she Ran, Not wanting to give this woman much of a head start he is off after he fast, after about 15 Km he catches her and has his way with her, this happened every morning for 1 week, and to his amazment he lost the 10Lb
still looking to lose more weight he desided to take the second plan,
same thing, but a beautiful 27 year old girl with nike running shoes and the sign saying"if you can catch me you can have your way with me" A little faster then her younger co worker she goes for 22Km, again this happens everyday for 2 weeks
EXTATIC with the results and wondering what the 3 week plan has he desided to go for it.
the next moring he opens the door to a 6'3" well built man wearing sprinting cleats and a sign that said, "IF I CATCH YOU I GET TO HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"
"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently bottom. What a nice feeling. Men*s room don't have things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than a restroom. It is a place of tender loving pleasure he thought.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure. He could hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy....
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as opened his eyes. A nurse was staring at him with a smirk on her face. What happened? he exclaimed. You pushed one too many buttons. replied the nurse.
The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your dick is under your pillow!!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies........." "You just happened to catch my eye."
Subject: SPAGHETTI A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
P.S. I think this is the best joke I read in a long time. Antalo
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the _expression on his face!"
The U.S. Military's latest tactic to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the TSF (TEXAS SPECIAL FORCES) Unit.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Bo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban: 1. There is no limit. 2. The season opened last weekend. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus. 5. Some are queer. 6. They don't like barbecue. 7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
We estimate it should be all over in about a week.
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Post by krondax on Mar 18, 2006 2:06:46 GMT -5
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American university . . .
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca-last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully."
(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of green TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Rebecca) piehole.
(Gary) Bitter woman.
(Rebecca) Wanker.
(Gary) Slut.
(Rebecca) Get bent.
(Gary) Eat poo.
(Rebecca) get bent YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. ********************************************** (Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of arse that brings tears to your eyes
It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?" Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."
From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca,1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke." Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush,to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."
Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky,1997."
Now with a frenzy, someone shouts,"You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!" Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says,"Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. “The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ “The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ “There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?”’
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" and the clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's too scared to cough!"
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and
the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next
to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man
replied. "I'm a gynecologist."
'm Very proud to be British Because..................
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo!
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