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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:48:40 GMT -5
back before I even had 10 members here, I searched and searched everything that had to do with shadowrun, I came across this site where a character by the name of The Great Krass had posted a bunch of humorous quotes from what im guessing are campaigns that hes seen or been through...youve seen Krass, Eon and The Fat Guy post here... so without any further delay.. read and enjoy...
JoAnne to Eon, "How do you get Krass to understand anything?" She queried in exasperation.
Eon: grabs Krass as he comes through the door and starts to beat his head into the wall as she kicks his legs out from under him. Krass has only a split sedcond to protest before he lands face first in the wall.
"Easy", stated Eon lightly. "I just explain it to him in his barbaric tongue!"
She and JoAnne look at Krass with the upper part of his body embedded in the wall. Muffled shouts come from the wall as his feet kick trying to get out. She kicks his hoop so that he goes deeper into the wall. "Understand me yet, you primitive pig?"
Ronilion walks into the Office and spots JoAnne and Eon. He looks at the wall they are looking at and sees a pair of legs sticking out of it. Wrathful sounds come from inside the wall. "If this is modern art it really sucks." He comments in a bored voice. "What did he do this time?"
Eon looks at her partner, "He exists, that is enough reason." She again kicks his hoop deeper into the wall.
Ronilion to Eon as he watches Krass struggle in the wall. "Do you have any special uses for Krass besides anger management therapy?"
Eon smiles, "Of course, I have found that his head is perfectly suited for all my toilet cleaning needs."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:49:00 GMT -5
Eon is instructing at the Shadowrun school this week, "Remember class, incoming fire ALWAYS has the right of way."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:49:44 GMT -5
Krass to Drassel, "Your deck is flatlined."
Drassel without looking up from his papers, "Did you give it mouse to mouse?"
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:53:06 GMT -5
Eon is getting ready to join the squad of the Seattle Seadogs to do some undercover work for a client. In her cheer leading outfit she is putting on the finishing touches on her makeup. Krass is panting a short distance away.
Krass, "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Eon keeps on working and replies, "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:53:51 GMT -5
Luddington to Krass, "Someday you are going to go to far with Eon and she is going to destroy you, not just kill, I mean really destroy."
Krass smiles, "Naw, I pick my times well. Eon is practically defenseless as long as her nail polish is drying."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:54:56 GMT -5
OOC: Krass, "Hey Fat Guy, did you go to college?"
OOC: GM: "Yes I did but it was a very long time ago."
OOC: Krass, "Ever pull any pranks? I'll bet you were just as crazy then. Tell me one."
OOC: GM: "I let some little piglets onto the campus. First I painted on the piglets the numbers "1", "2", and "4". The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one."
OOC: Krass, "Even then you were an imaginative little cuss weren't you."
OOC: GM: "I wonder if they are still looking for that third piglet?"
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:55:34 GMT -5
Krass is working on Drassel's deck when Roniliojn walks in.
Ronilion looks in interest at all the parts spread out across the desk. "What are you doing?"
Krass, "The idiot screwed up his deck but I can't put my finger on the exact problem."
Eon walks in, "Put your finger on your forehead."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 8:58:57 GMT -5
Dr Patterson to Krass, "I have to fly out tomorrow and with all the security on the sub orbital's do you have any advice that will make the trip smoother?"
Krass, "Take off your coat, shoes, etc. Wearing nothing but a wife-beater, thong, and flip-flops and that will speed you through the metal detector."
Drassel, "Also, don't wear a belt, instead hold your pants up with a rope, but don't use a hemp rope. Since they're not catching any terrorists they'll start using their sophisticated tools to bust recreational drug users now, so leave your drugs and chips at home. Don't carry any change in your pocket, forget the tie tack, um, what else? Oh yes, Don't eat poppy seed bagels. There's something in the poppy seeds that tests positive for heroin or C-4 or both."
Krass, "Oh, and on shoes, last time I flew I had to take mine off, even though there was no metal, because of the thickness of the sole."
JoAnne, "Well it was the thickness of your soles and those funny wires poking out the side that excited their initial interest."
Krass, "If you really want special treatment at the airport, make sure you thank the security guards for being a waste of taxpayer money and remind them that if they had finished high school they could probably get a job in a local McBeasts."
Dr Patterson looks at JoAnne, "Cancel the trip. I'm not going!" He stomps out.
Drassel smiles, "We are going to save a fortune on travel expenses."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 9:01:21 GMT -5
(this post is outside of the Krass, Eon and Fat Guy circle, but I laughed at this pretty hard and had to share it)
(Cutter, an elven swordsman/street samurai, and Blitzkrieg, a dwarf street samurai/mercenary, have tracked down their Johnson - an ex-street samurai infested with a Roach spirit named Sundance. Sundance has sent the team on a run that has resulted in all but the two infested with roach spirits.)
Sundance: So you saw through my little ruse.
Cutter (raising dikoted katana): You killed most of our team, but we killed your little monsters - now we mop your ugly hoop up, and take out your queen.
Blitzkrieg (hefting Ingram Valiant): See you in hell, bugboy.
Sundance: *grins* The Queen will be most pleased with the pair of you.
Cutter: Over our dead bodies!
GM: Okay, initiative. Okay, Sundance lunges forward even faster than you move, Cutter. (rolls dice) Okay, roll soak against a Power of... 15.
Cutter (OOC): (jaw drops) What?
GM: Yup, 15.
Cutter: 1 success.
GM: Okay. Blitzkrieg, you don't even see Sundance move. You blink and then see Cutter's headless body topple forward as Sundance spins Cutter's head like a top on his right index finger. He smiles sadistically at you and then takes a large bite out of Cutter's cheek.
Blitzkrieg (OOC): I hand over my Valiant and ask Sundance about what kind of medical benefits Roach vessels receive and whether there's any chance for advancement.
GM: Sundance replies that you get no medical benefits and that your soul will merge with an utterly alien presence which will control and guide you for the rest of your life.
Blitzkrieg: Okay, fine, but I'm not doing any vacuuming.
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 9:03:57 GMT -5
Drassel is handling a civil lawsuit against Krass. He decides to cross examine the prosecution witness.
Drassel, "What was the first thing Mr. Krass said to you when he woke up that morning?
Lady NPC (GM): He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Drassel, "And why did that upset you?"
Lady NPC (GM): "My name is Susan."
Drassel is persistent he continues to cross examine.
Drassel, "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Lady NPC (GM): "Yes."
Drassel, "And what were you doing at that time?"
Lady, "Huh? What do you think I was doing?"
Drassel, "What I meant was, were you sexually active?"
Lady, "No, I just laid there."
Drassel, "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Lady NPC (GM) "By death."
Drassel, "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Lady NPC, "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
Drassel, turns to the judge, "The witness is being argumentative."
Judge, NPC, (GM): "The witness will refrain from insulting the defense and answer the question."
Lady, "The death of my husband."
Drassel, "Can you describe the individual?"
Lady, "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Drassel, "Was this a male, or a female?"
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 9:04:12 GMT -5
Krass, "Hey Drassel, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?"
Drassel, "Day and Night."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 5, 2005 9:06:29 GMT -5
GM: "OK, Krass after a night of drinking, and partying has woken up almost naked on the street. Several of the local citizens appear amused and a tourist is taking holo pictures to sell to the press later."
Krass, "Almost? Do I have any recollection of what happened."
GM: "No, not at this time. You just KNOW it was one really degenerate party. Certainly one for the record books. As for the ALMOST, the only thing you have is some chicken feathers up your hoop." chuckles
Krass smiles, "Dammit EON! I'll get you for this."
Eon laughs evilly.
GM, "I see your memory of events has started to return."
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Post by The Great Krass on Aug 8, 2005 1:09:26 GMT -5
A few Crazy moments from the group known as the Retrosexuals:
************************************************
Krass speaking to Eon, "Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, money, beer, or Combat Bikers. I just have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. By the way, how about a date?" He smiles brightly at Eon. "Now you know what I'm thinking about when I look at you."
Luddington drily, "Combat Biking."
********************************************* Luddington the Priest shook his finger at Krass, "If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil. You could be a Great Force in this world of sinners."
"I already am a Great Force in this world dumb ass, I see no evil, hear no evil," Krass looked pointedly at Eon, "and I date no evil."
********************************************** "Where's Eon?" asked Drassel.
"At the Mall," responded Krass, "She's looking for a new armored bra called the Sheepdog."
"Why the Sheepdog?" Drassel asked looking puzzled.
Krass grinning insidiously, "It rounds them up and points them in the right direction."
********************************************** From the Fatman Game: Stupid is as Stupid Dies!
Krass to Drassel who is aiming a shotgun at him. “I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are! I mean rock-hard stupid! Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid! World-class, A-1, top of the heap, triple whopper with cheese, super-sized stupid! So stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid! One-of-a-kind, global, universal, intergalactic stupid! You are trans-stupid, stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed.” “ Stupid so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularly, extraordinarily, incredibly, bewilderingly stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your life is a monument to stupidity. I am breathless that anyone or anything in our universe can really be this stupid. You are a primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of stupidity that we know. You are a veritable behemoth, a leviathan, and a colossus of stupidity.
"Stupid should be your first, last and middle name. You are the Primal force of Stupid. Your mother not only hankered after guys who spelled UGLY with more than one 'G' but she also went for guys who were the founding fathers of the words, moron, inbecile, fool, ass, idiot, cretin and lamebrain. Then you went and got hit by a gigantic 'stupid' ray." Krass stated to Drassel.
Krass to Eon after he got spun. "I thought Drassel was the incarnation of stupid, but I see I was wrong. You are the Deity of Stupid that all idiots bow before. The very definition of stupid was written to perfectly match you, and yet does not even begin to truly describe just how outrageously stupid you really are. You are so overwhelmingly stupid that you actually exude a tangible aura of pure, untainted, stupidity!
Eon: "Keep talking like that Drek-for-Brains and you might be getting some more air miles!"
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Post by The Great Krass on Aug 8, 2005 2:03:14 GMT -5
The Fatman suggested that I take a few moments for a tribute to my partner, the Shyster Gregg Drassel.
********************************************** NPC: "Are you a lawyer?"
Drassel nods affirmatively.
NPC: "Honest?"
Drassel, "No the usual kind."
Drassel's creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
************************************************ From the Fatman Game: The Speed Limit of Sex!
"Hey Krass" asked Drassel, "What's the difference between pink and purple?"
Krass smiling, "The grip!"
Krass smiles at Drassel, "Hey idiot, what's six inches long, two inches wide and drives woman crazy?"
Drassel responds quickly, "Money."
Drassel to Krass angrily, “When did you first learn to compromise Sheep butts?”
Krass shook his fist angrily. “Customize sheep butts? This coming from a guy who uses insecticide on his rubbers? Go screw yourself and you might kill that bug up your dead hoop!"
OOC: Drassel, "Why is everyone laughing? What's a thingy?"
OOC: Krass, "Look in a mirror but first take off your clothes and look for the smallest thing you can see."
OOC: Drassel, "Why do I have to take off my clothes to see my ear?"
JoAnne has just returned to the office with a puzzled look on her face and spotting Drassel, Eon and Ronilion she walks over. "I just saw the strangest thing. I saw a guy with his head and both hands up the Hoop of a police horse."
Eon dryly, "If it's Krass he has hit a new low."
Drassel, "Or it's just an Amish Mechanic."
“Hey Krass! What's the speed limit of sex?” asked Drassel snidely. Krass didn’t even look up from his work “ That’s easy lamebrain it’s 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.”
Eon to Krass, "And you don't dare go 70 because if you make one slip your in the drek!"
Krass to Drassel, "Do you remember the Speed Limit of Sex?"
Drassel, "Sure 69 because at 70 you have to turn around, and according to Eon, one slip and your in the drek."
Krass, "OK then, what's 6.9?"
Drasell thinks for a long time, "The only thing I can come up with is a good time screwed up by a period."
************************************************ Eon, irritated, glared in his direction. “How can anyone still keep talking while their puking and dizzy?” She groused at the rest of the team.
“That’s nothing new,” stated Drassel seriously, “I think Krass would be still talking even if he lost his head. They say the same thing happened to Rasputin when they chopped off his head, he mumbled for sometime afterward. Although it wasn’t reported what he was actually saying at the time.”
From the other side of the couch Krass looked up and stared pointedly at Eon’s chest, “It’s a dead heat in the Zeppelin Race today.” He then ducked back down as Eon looked confused and then shocked as she realized what Krass was referring to. Her face slowly turned red.
Drassel moved his head in negation, “No Krass, I don’t think Rasputin said that, they didn’t have Zeppelin’s in his day.”
********************************************** Krass is racing down the street followed by a determined and angry Eon. He passes Ronilion and Drassel and yells, "Help! I'm the victim of MAD FRAU DISEASE!"
Drassel looks in puzzlement at Ronilion, "That's odd I didn't know Eon was German, I thought she was Chinese?"
Ronilion looked dumbfounded at Drassel for a moment and saw he was serious. "Stupidity can be a force for good or evil, with you it's a genetic inheritance."
********************************************
Luddington has temporarily given up trying to explain the bible to Krass, he suspects he will have more luck with Drassel.
Luddington to the intent Drassel, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Drassel thought carefully before replying. "What happened to the flea?"
Krass who had been listening from his office is rolling on the floor laughing.
**********************************************
Ronilion is talking to Drassel, "Being Krass's lawyer must be real interesting. What was the most recent and best case you've had?"
Drassel seriously, "The case of Green River Pale he sent me last week."
Ronilion looking disgusted, "I ought to call the city spirit of Hulk Hogan to kick your sorry hoop."
********************************************** Krass glaring at Drassel, "Why the hell do I keep your useless sorry Hoop around here anyway?"
Drassel looks at Krass strangely and seriously replies quietly. "That is not the important question. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so and that you do so on time."
******************************************** Krass is explaining to Drassel, "Opportunity only knocks once, lamebrain."
Drassel thinks for a moment, "Then if I hear a second knock it's probably only a Jehovah's witness?"
******************************************** "So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?" Drassel asked the girl scout as he was purchasing a box.
Drassel to Krass, "Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
Krass in the rest room at the court house and notices that Drassel has a felt tipped marker and is writing something on the condom dispensing machine. After Drassel has left Krass goes to see what he wrote and keels over laughing uncontrollably.
Drassel had written, "This gum is stale!"
********************************************** Krass speaking about Drassel, "You know there is a fine line between ignorance and stupidity but Drassel is hard at work trying to erase that line!"
********************************************* Ronilion to Drassel, "I can see why you became a lawyer, you nitpick over every word and interpret it your own way. I'll bet you didn't want to be a lawyer when you were growing up."
Drassel nods, "True "I wanted to write stuff that the whole world would read, stuff that people would react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that would make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, in desperation, and anger!"
Ronilion, "Well then I guess you came close."
Drassel, "Not close enough, I could have been writing error messages for Microsoft."
********************************************* Krass is talking to JoAnne about Drassel. "I just don't get it. Just when I think I have Drassel figured out as the dumbest thing in the Universe he says something almost startling in it's insight. How can such a stupid idiot be such a SMARTASS?"
********************************************** From the Fatman Game: Krass's Virgin Island Affair or the Monkey's U.N.C.L.E. Affair.
Eon has returned to the office after dealing with the Shadowrunners that botched a run in the Virgin Islands. She spots Krass and is immediately in no mood for his Drek.
Eon menacingly, "I just got back after 18 hours of running those morons down. You better not start with me. I haven't even had time to go home and change!"
Drassel, "Hmm, what does happen to an 18 hour bra after eighteen hours?"
Eon immediately starts to pound Krass who protests that he did NOT put Drassel up to asking the question. Eon obviously does NOT believe him.
Drassel heads back to his office where JoAnne is waiting. "Did it work?" She asked. Drassel nodded, "Like a charm."
********************************************** JoAnne curiously to Drassel, "Unlike Mr. Krass you do seem to have some legal ethics but I am unsure whether that is do to your unique perspective or you actually made the attempt to have some."
Drassel thinks for a moment, "Perhaps if I tell you a story you will understand. I once drafted a will for an elderly client. The fee was for 1,000 NYen. The client gave the me a 1,000 bill. After the client left, the I saw that the client had in fact paid 2,000, as two of the client's 1,000 bills had stuck together."
JoAnne, smiling "So that was you're ethical problem? You returned the money of course?"
Drassel seriously, "That is why you will be a secretary for a long time. That was not my problem. My problem was, should I tell my partner?"
*********************************************** Ronilion, Drassel, Eon and Krass are at the stadium getting ready to watch the Seattle Seadogs play. Krass of course has a private box and wants to make an appearence since he is running as Mayor this year. Krass leans over and speaks quietly in Drassel's ear. Without further ado Drassel quickly picks up Eon by surprise and tosses her over the side of the box onto the field. Eon can be heard cursing all the way down.
Krass looking disgusted looks over the box and states calmly. "I said we need to throw out the first PITCH, stupid!"
**********************************************
Ronilion and Eon are with Drassel as they creep up on a research facility they are about to raid. Drassel though is not creeping but walking boldly up to the wire. Eon in frustration hisses at him, "Hey Stupid, get your hoop DOWN before someone see's you!"
Drassel looks at the ground in distaste and then back to Eon, " "I don't creep about on the ground. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things."
Eon is having a difficult time fighting a cyber enhanced troll. As she gets tossed across the room Drassel arrives carrying a flamethrower.
Eon landing roughly on the floor, "Quick Gregg burn him!"
Drassel looks at the troll in disgust, "I refuse. Trolls stink when they burn."
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Post by Xtreme on Aug 8, 2005 7:05:51 GMT -5
some great ones Krass... danke
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